Huge Tailbacks At Border As Thousands Head North For A Haircut

Huge tailbacks have been seen at the border since early this morning after hairdressers and barbers were allowed to re-open in the North today. Tens of thousands of people desperate for a haircut have clearly decided they can’t wait any longer as salons here remain closed due to strict government guidelines.

Minister for Haircuts Roisín Loonam urged people not to travel North and said the best option is to wait just a little while longer.

“What difference will a couple of weeks make when you already look a state?” she said. “Hang in there and wait for your local hairdresser to open. It’ll be worth the wait. They don’t cut hair the same in the North anyway. Trust me, those people heading up there today will be sorry when they all come home looking like Protestants.”

We asked the Minister if she thinks hairdressers in the Republic should be allowed to re-open now too.

“It’s out of my hands. I did bring it up with the Taoiseach recently but to be honest I don’t think he sees it as a priority because it doesn’t really affect him if you know what I mean. There’s nothing left worth cutting on that head. And of course the Minister for Health Simon Donnelly is an even bigger slaphead so he doesn’t seem too bothered either. No surprise there I suppose. I’ve seen more hair on an egg.”

NPHET meanwhile agreed with the Minister’s predictions and said in a brief statement released today that until hairdressers here are allowed to re-open, we should expect to see a sharp rise in the number of people walking around looking like Protestants.