New Laws Mean Anyone Saying “I’m Knackered” Can Be Charged With Racism

New anti-racism laws which come into effect next month mean people will have to be a lot more careful about what they say in future. The government has drawn up a list of phrases and words which will be deemed racist from now on and anyone heard using them in public can be charged with a hate crime.

The word ‘knacker’ is commonly used as a derogatory term for both travellers and urban scumbags and is on the list. John Ward of the Irish Travellers Association welcomed the news.

“People who say they’re knackered are being racist against travellers. And don’t say you’re not! You never hear anyone saying they’re niggered. And don’t think you can get away with saying you’re cream crackered either ‘coz I’ll know what you mean and I’ll find out where you live.”

Taoiseach Micheál Martin announced the new measures yesterday and said the best way to create a more tolerant society is to be offended by everything and to make saying stuff illegal.

“People need to realise that travellers have been officially recognised as an ethnic minority and are therefore different from the rest of us but also exactly the same. We are all the same but they’re different even though they’re the same so they should be treated the same as everyone else and also differently. I hope that’s clear.”

The list of banned words and phrases is extensive and affects all aspects of daily life. Christmas Trees for example will be referred to as Holiday Trees from this year onwards and Easter Eggs will be called Non-denominational Chocolate Spheres to make them more inclusive. Employers will also be banned from advertising for reliable hard-working people so as not to cause offence to unreliable lazy bastards.