Barstaff all over Ireland have been told by Gardaí to report anyone they suspect of travelling from Dublin just to have a drink in a pub and have been issued with a list of tell-tale signs to look out for. So-called wet pubs can finally reopen today all over Ireland apart from in Dublin, where people have been told they should not travel beyond the county boundaries.
Sgt. Tom Maher told reporters this afternoon “Obviously the accent is a dead giveaway but we’ve already had reports of Dubliners trying to order drinks in country accents. Anyone asking for Heino or King Crisps is almost certainly a Jackeen and should not be served. Obviously they should also get a slap just for saying Heino but you can leave that part to us.”
Sgt. Maher said all publicans have been given a booklet called ‘Dubs In Your Pubs – What To Look Out For’ and should read it thoroughly before opening their doors.
“If you have a group putting Aslan’s Crazy World on the jukebox 10 times in a row while singing along very loudly you should call the Gardaí. Being horribly rude to staff and telling them to put Mrs. Brown’s Boys on the bleedin telly is another dead giveaway so please be on your guard. We don’t take any pleasure in sending people back to Dublin but at the end of the day they are a bunch of covid-ravaged scumbags so we have to do our job.”