Research results just released by the National Institute of Science show that Guinness farts are responsible for around 80% of Ireland’s greenhouse gas emissions. Dr. Jeff Molloy who carried out the research explained that what makes Guinness farts so lethal and dangerous to our environment compared to other poisonous toxins is the length of time they tend to linger after they’ve been released into the atmosphere.
“The hang time on a Guinness fart is incredible.” explained Dr. Molloy. “As an experiment for part of our study I drank five pints of Guinness and the following morning I farted in my car on the way to the lab. When I returned to the car after my shift ended 8 hours later the stink was still unbearable. And that was just from what came out of my arse after five pints. Now think about how many people drink Guinness in Ireland on an average weekend and how many gallons they get through. Can you imagine the damage they’re doing to the ozone layer?”
So what advice would Dr. Molloy give to environmentally conscious Guinness drinkers out there?
“Don’t fart outside. Remember, Guinness farts are at their most lethal the next day so if you’re not at home make sure you’re in another enclosed space where they can’t escape like a shop or at Mass. People in close proximity may not appreciate it at the time but as you watch them choke and vomit remind them it’s for their own good in the long run and that they should actually be thanking you. I’m sure they’ll understand.”