Government Creates 200 New Jobs By Setting Up The Department of Apologies

A brand new government department was opened by Taoiseach Micheál Martin today at a lavish ceremony in the centre of Dublin.

The Department of Apologies is expected to become one of the government’s busiest departments and will employ around 200 people immediately with more positions predicted in the near future. The Taoiseach spoke to reporters outside the plush city centre office complex where the Department of Apologies will be located.

“We’ve looked into the figures and it turns out it would cost less to just keep apologising for stuff rather than fixing it. It therefore makes perfect sense to have a department dedicated to issuing those apologies. The people employed here will be responsible for apologising for the state of all the other departments.”

So what exactly will the Department of Apologies staff be apologising for initially?

“Take your pick.” said the Taoiseach. “Your granny being left on a hospital trolley. Over 10,000 homeless Irish people. That’s a new record by the way. You can’t argue with those figures. That’s real growth.”

A cabinet reshuffle has been finalised and Ireland’s first ever Minister for Apologies has been confirmed as Fine Gael TD for Dublin Central, Pascal Donohoe. Mr Donohoe spoke briefly to the gathered press and was asked if he’d like to start by apologising for having that ridiculous voice.

“Eh, no. But I would just like to say that it’s a huge honour for me to be named as Ireland’s first Minister for Apologies. I’d like to assure the people of Ireland that I’m in this job for the long haul and I intend to be apologising for all sorts of things for many years to come. Go rev meela Margaret or whatever the hell it is in Irish. Thank you very much.”

The Minister, the Taoiseach and the entire cabinet then headed back to the bar in Dáil Eireann for a session to celebrate the start of their annual 3 month summer holidays.