Gingers Warned To Stay Inside Until Further Notice As Temperatures Soar To 12°C

THE Government has just announced that all gingers must stay inside until further notice as temperatures soar to 12°C around the country. The announcement also stated that Gardaí will be given special emergency powers and any gingers caught outside will be arrested on sight.

There have already been dozens of incidents of sun stroke and other heat related illnesses reported this morning and predictably all the victims have been ginger. 45 year-old ginger Brian Bracken was walking from his front door to his car in Tullamore when without warning his head suddenly caught fire.

Ireland’s health service spends millions every year treating gingers who seem to think they can go outside like normal people during sunny weather, however it appears that authorities have finally had enough. With resources currently stretched to the limit due to vaccine distribution issues, the last thing our medical staff need is a wave of sunburnt gingers to deal with.

Dr. Suzy Sherlock of the Deacon Dermatology Clinic in Cork told us “If there’s anything more reckless than a ginger going outside when it’s sunny I haven’t heard it. Do these people not realise they’re putting themselves in grave danger? Did Jews go to their local train station and buy tickets to Auschwitz during the second World War? Of course not. Just stay indoors you soulless, ginger-pubed freaks!”