Chief Medical Officer Dr Tony Holohan has today advised all gingers to quarantine in their houses until further notice as an unexpected spell of sunny weather descends on Ireland. Dr. Holohan also stated that Gardaí will be given special emergency powers and any gingers caught outside can be arrested on sight.
During an exceptionally sunny few days earlier this year there were dozens of incidents of sun stroke and other heat related illnesses around the country and unsurprisingly all the victims were ginger. In Kildare 32 year-old ginger Brian Delaney was walking from his front door to his car when his head suddenly caught fire.
Ireland’s health service spends millions every summer treating gingers who seem to think they can go outside like normal people during sunny weather however it appears that authorities have finally had enough. With resources currently stretched to the limit it has been decided that it would be too much for our emergency services to also have to deal with a wave of sunburnt gingers.
Dr. Holohan said “If there’s anything more reckless than a ginger going outside when it’s sunny I haven’t heard it. Do these people not realise they’re putting themselves in grave danger? Did Jews go to their local train station and buy tickets to Auschwitz during the second World War? Of course not. That’s because they weren’t mental. So to the ginger people of Ireland I say this. Please get back into your homes now and stay inside until we tell you it’s safe to come out. It’s for your own good. You weird looking soulless ginger-pubed spawn of satan.”