Mascot Fred The Red Replaces Fred In Manchester United First Team Squad

Manchester United’s official Old Trafford mascot Fred the Red has been brought into the first team squad as a replacement for misfiring Brazilian Fred. Manager Ole Gunner Solskjaer made the announcement at a press conference this morning and explained his decision.

“I’ve been watching Fred the Red having pre-match kick abouts at Old Trafford for years now and if I’m honest he has a better first touch than Fred and he’s much more composed on the ball. He’s just an all round better player. Plus when he passes the ball he tends to pass it to one of our lads and not the fucking opposition.”

Solskjaer said Fred the Red will probably be in the Manchester United starting eleven for their next game against Fulham on Tuesday and Fred the Brazilian will most certainly not.

“He’s a good lad Fred the Red. A local lad and he knows what it means to play for this club. And he cost us nothing and we paid £47 million for Fred. Jesus Christ I can’t even say that without feeling sick. We’ll be lucky to get half that back if we ever manage to sell the clubfooted cunt.”