20 Reasons To Be Happy Football’s Not “Coming Home”

Here are 20 reasons to be happy that England will not be winning the World Cup and why Irish people who tell you we should be supporting our neighbours are gobshites.

Local rivalry is a thing. The Scots and Welsh love to see England lose. Brazil love to see Argentina lose. Holland love to see Germany lose. The same goes for New Zealand and Australia. Croatia and Serbia. Finglas and Ballymun. It’s a worldwide tradition and it’s fun so get over yourselves you brit-licking dickheads.

1. They expect everyone abroad to speak fluent English.

2. They call us Paddys and love telling jokes about Irish people being thick.

3. Yorkshire Puddings.

4. Brexit. Go on then, fuck off!

5. The biggest selling ‘newspaper’ in England is The Sun. Need we say more?

6. Jimmy Saville.

7. They are all somehow incapable of grasping the very simple fact that we are not British.

8. Love Island.

9. Their fans can’t go anywhere without throwing chairs and bottles at locals but then run away whenever confronted by proper hooligans.

10. Margaret Thatcher

11. They call our country Southern Ireland.

12. Boris Fucking Johnson.

13. The Commonwealth Games. The most pointless and ridiculous sporting event ever conceived.

14. Oliver Bastard Cromwell.

15. They go to Spain every year to spend two weeks eating egg and chips in an English bar while drinking English beer and watching Eastenders.

16. Pork Scratchings.

17. They genuinely think England won two World Wars on their own.

18. They name their children Nigel and Agnes.

19. The Royal Family.

20. They starved one million Irish people to death and wiped out 50% of our population which wasn’t very nice at all now was it?