No, you didn’t have a weird dream where a large woman making chicken noises won the Eurovision Song Contest. That actually happened. Even before the show kicked off in Lisbon on Saturday night Israel’s Netta had been an early favourite with the bookies – yes, really – but the voting went down to the wire with Cyprus pushing them all the way before eventually finishing in second place.
Ireland ended up in a respectable 16th position but a clearly emotional John Fox from the Irish Eurovision committee says it may be time to quit.
“That’s it. We give up. We finally give the fuck up! I mean seriously, we’ve tried everything at this stage. Dance music, rock music, ballads, Irish music. We even sent a puppet turkey one year. This time we went after the gay vote by getting two lads to hold hands. We’re officially out of ideas. If a woman making chicken noises can win the Eurovision Song Contest then we honestly haven’t got a clue what we should send next year.”
In fairness to Netta she didn’t just make chicken noises, there was also singing involved in the winning song. Unfortunately that was even worse than the clucking. It’s a truly terrible song and people who voted for it really are dreadful bastards.
The real highlight of the night came when some nutter invaded the stage during the UK’s performance and snatched the microphone off singer Surie. He shouted some protesty nonsense that nobody really heard or gave a shit about before being dragged off stage by security. Most people in the arena agreed that whatever he was shouting into the microphone improved the song quite a bit and was probably responsible for the few votes it did get.
The UK finished 3rd last in the contest and it is hoped that the experience will prepare English football fans for the World Cup this summer where they will also go into the competition full of confidence and then do shit.