“Em, Tiocfaidh Ar Lá! Brits Out! That’s Actually What I Meant To Say During The Campaign”

Outgoing Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has said he is bitterly disappointed at the election result and that he completely misjudged the mood of the nation. The Fine Gael leader said the only light at the end of the tunnel for his party is that it may not be possible for anyone to form a government after these results and the Irish people may have to go to the polls again.

“And if that happens I promise the people of Ireland as I stand here today that the number one priority for a Fine Gael government will be to get the Brits out of our country. We want our six counties back. As my favourite song says, go on home British soldiers, go on home. Have you got no feckin homes of your own.”

It was put to Mr. Varadkar that this is a very different stance from when he tried to organise the ill-fated commemoration for the Royal Irish Constabulary just a few weeks ago.

“That was Flanagan’s idea.” he protested. “Nothing to do with me. That man won’t even let me wear my beloved Easter Lily into the Dáil. Honestly, he’s such a west-brit. Get them out I say. Tiocfaidh ar lá!”

Mr. Varadkar said he will gather his Fine Gael colleagues together tomorrow to explain the party’s new strategy before they head to Scotland for a team building exercise where they will all attend their first ever Celtic match on Wednesday night.