More people will attend an Ed Sheeran concert than mass in Ireland this week. The incredibly popular singer kicks off his Irish tour in Cork this evening before going on to play sell-out shows in Belfast, Galway and Dublin. By the end of the tour Sheeran’s concerts will have been attended by at least one member of every family in the country. The alarming slide in the number of Irish people who go to mass however has the Catholic church here more worried than ever and there will be approximately twice as many people going to see the ginger-pubed pop star this weekend.
We asked God how he felt about the current situation in Ireland. (one of the lads in the office has his mobile number) “It’s hardly surprising now is it?” snapped the Almighty. “You’ve a choice between going to hear Ed Sheeran or some old git reading the same dreary passages from the bible for the thousandth time and babbling on and on about being good and not bad and Old Testament this and New Testament that and bla bla bla. Honestly, even I’d pick ginger balls over that rubbish. Catholic mass is soooo boring. I’ve got two words for you people. Black. Americans. Now that’s how to worship your God. Singing and dancing and losing your shit!”
Ed Sheeran on the other hand says he can’t quite believe just how huge he has become. “Sometimes I think this is all a dream and I’m going to wake up to find I’m just a pub singer.” said the orange-balled millionaire. “There’s loads of singer-songwriters out there as good as me and I’m selling out football stadiums while they play in a half empty bingo halls. What the hell is going on?”
Not only is Sheeran the biggest popstar on the planet, he is now also officially the most famous person who has ever lived, beating the likes of Shakespeare, Elvis and Hitler. He sells so many records that he recently had 11 singles in the top 10. So what’s next for the copper-knobbed sensation? We asked his agent Simon Jenkins.
“By this time next year all songs released worldwide will be sung by Ed Sheeran. Nobody else will bring out any more new music. The only guest to appear on all chat shows from now on will be Ed – just him, every week – and plans are in place for him to take over the lead roles in Peaky Blinders and Game of Thrones. Also for some reason he is insisting that he gets to replace Marty Whelan on Winning Streak.”
We asked ginger bollocks himself if he now has everything he’s ever dreamed of or is there anything in life he hasn’t yet acheived that he’d really like to.
He told us “Yes. There is one thing. I really wish people would stop constantly referring to the colour of my pubes when writing about me.”