Drunk Hugging Becoming A National Epidemic

Do you tend to hug everyone while drunk? If so you’re not alone. Recent statistics show that one in five of us turns into a serial hugger after a few drinks and that number is steadily rising.

A campaign to curb the spread of drunk hugging was launched this morning by Minister for Social Affairs Barney Fitzmaurice who blamed what he called “European influences” and said we need to preserve Irish culture before it disappears altogether.

“It’s getting ridiculous.” said the Minister. “Back in my day men shook hands when they met. Now they practically get up on each other. Not that there’s anything wrong with that sort of thing of course. As a loyal Fine Gael member I fully support my Taoiseach and his right to get up on any man he chooses. It’s certainly not for me though. Oh God no, could you imagine? Ew!!! Anyway, just to clarify. There’s nothing wrong with men riding each other, it’s the hugging that needs to stop.”

The Minister went on to say we all need to play our part in reversing the trend and preventing the men of Ireland turning into what he called euro-ponces.

“We need to get back to firm manly handshakes. What’s wrong with two lads squeezing the living Jaysus out of each other’s hands when they meet to see who flinches first. That’s the Irish way. Better to have a couple of crushed fingers than some big hairy lad hugging and kissing you. Again I just want to clarify there’s nothing wrong with that sort of thing if you’re into it. I’m certainly not though. God almighty, even the thoughts of it. Ew!!

“Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, stop hugging each other lads. We’re tough Irishmen not poncey French poofs for fuck’s sake.”