Dublin Drug Dealers Offer To Help Government Obtain Covid Vaccines

Major drug dealers from Dublin have reached out to the government and offered to help them obtain Covid vaccines. As the disastrous EU roll-out stumbles from one problem to another, the crime bosses decided to step in and told Irish government officials they can get them as many vaccines as they want, as soon as they want.

A leading Dublin criminal phoned the Department of Health last night to make the offer and a transcript of the conversation has been leaked to journalists. He told health officials “The offer is there. Take it or leave it. We can have everyone in the country sorted in a week. Or you can just keep fannying about with those fuckin’ eejits in Europe.”

The unnamed man went on to say they could organise everything themselves and could have shipments containing hundreds of thousands of vaccines arriving at Irish ports from today.

“We can handle the distribution too. No bother. AstraZeneca, Pfizer, Moderna, Sputnik. You name it, we can get it. Vaccines, syringes, the lot. Just say the word and every GP in the country will be ready to start jabbing away this time tomorrow.”

Minister for Health Stephen Donnelly described the offer as an insult and a publicity stunt and said the government would never work with criminals.

“It’s an outrage. How dare they? These people belong in prison. We would never stoop so low and you really shouldn’t be giving them this kind of publicity. Do you think he’s being serious about the distribution by the way?”