“I Could Drop Kick A Kitten Over A Wall Live On TV And I’d Still Win This Thing”


President Michael D. Higgins had a dig at his rivals in the Presidential Election today when he suggested there’s nothing he could do that would prevent him from winning. Even without taking part in last night’s televised debate the latest polls have Higgins on a massive 70% while his nearest rival Sean Gallagher – who also declined to take part – is on 14%. The rest are basically fucked.

“Honestly, could they not come up with anyone better than this shower?” President Higgins told supporters. “I’d never heard of any of them until last week. It’s hilarious. I could drop kick a kitten over a wall live on TV and I’d still win this thing. There’s more chance of Leo Varadker having a threesome with the Healy-Rae brothers than any of these clowns beating me.”

President Higgins said Sean Gallagher has no political experience and is not cut out for the office of president. He poked fun at his performance during the last presidential election campaign seven years ago and said the people of Ireland have no faith in him. He also said that his head looks like a potato.

Gallagher’s wife Irene came out in his defence in an interview on the lunchtime news this afternoon and said her husband is an honest, decent man who would make a great President.

“I know Sean Gallagher better than anyone and I can assure you that the people of Ireland would be very lucky to have him as President and he would do our country proud. Having said that I’m voting for Mickey D.”