People of Cork Call For Hard Border

A huge demonstration on the streets of Cork City yesterday heard that the people of Ireland’s rebel county overwhelmingly reject interference from Dublin and believe they should govern themselves.

Mayor of Cork Tony Fitzgerald told an enthusiastic crowd of over 40,000 people that the time to strike for Cork’s freedom is now as he gave a rousing speech in which he officially declared Cork’s independence from the rest of Ireland and demanded a hard border.

“In the name of God and of all the glorious generations of Corkonians from Michael Collins to Graham Norton, from Sean Óg O’Halpín to The Frank and Walters, Cork, through me, summons her children to her flag and strikes for her freedom.”

We spoke briefly to Tony after he gave his speech and suggested that maybe he was being a bit mental. He disagreed.

“Listen shite-bag.” he replied. “We have our own customs and our own traditions and we have absolutely nothing whatsoever in common with those Jackeen gobshites up in Dublin. Today we sever all ties with the West-Brit government in Dáil Eireann and take control of our own destiny.”

The Mayor then boarded a waiting helicopter and fled to Brussels where he said he intends to stay until the Irish government lift his arrest warrant.

Meanwhile in Dublin a government spokesman said there is no such warrant and they have absolutely no idea what the hell he’s talking about. Taoiseach Leo Varadker – who was attending an event in Kildare this morning – was asked what he thinks about the Mayor’s situation. He told reporters “I think he should go back to Cork and stop acting the bollocks.”