Some Shite Called The Commonwealth Games Gets Under Way In Australia


The 2018 Commonwealth Games got under way in Australia this morning after a glitzy opening ceremony in the Carrara Stadium in Queensland’s Gold Coast. Many people aren’t really sure exactly what the Commonwealth Games are and most couldn’t give a shite one way or the other.

Every four years England gets together with all the countries it invaded and occupied throughout history and tries to humiliate them again by beating them at sport. In Britain these countries are known as the Commonwealth. Of course any country with an ounce of dignity and pride that used to be a British Empire colony left the Commonwealth years ago and doesn’t take part but lots of other countries do. The main attraction for competitors is the fact that most of the world’s top athletes won’t be there so the chance of winning a medal at the Commonwealth Games is considerably higher than at a proper sporting event.

Highlights to watch out for this week include the Lawn Bowls – officially the world’s most boring sport – where Michael Somare from Papua New Guinea is favourite to take the gold medal from reigning champion George Smith from the Isle of Man. Yay. Then there’s the Long Jump where apparently Mwengwe Womchompo from Botswana is the man to beat. Or possibly woman, we’re really not sure.

You can tune in to BBC1 every night to catch highlights of the day’s events from Australia. Or you could just sit on the couch and pull all you nose hairs out with a pliers which is probably the better option.