It has been announced today that all people who work in chippers on Saturday nights will be awarded medals and publicly thanked for their service to their country at a lavish ceremony in Aras an Uachtarán later this year.
President Higgins himself made the announcement this morning at a press conference after meeting several representatives from Ireland’s chip shop staff.
“We will gather to honour and celebrate those who carry out their duties in the face of extreme adversity and drunkenness. Most of us would not even entertain the idea of listening to the absolute shite they put up with on a regular basis. It is an honour for me to proclaim here today, Take-Away staff of Ireland, we salute you!”
Spokesman for the Association of Irish Take-Away Workers Martin Devine welcomed the announcement.
“We’re delighted with this news. It makes all the abuse we get, all the puking, fighting and farting worthwhile. And to all the drunk customers who regularly call me gobshite and spotty, it’s nearly enough to make me consider not putting my snots in your burgers. Nearly but not quite.”