People Returning To Mass Asked To Bring 24 Weeks Of Cash For Collection Basket

People returning to mass this week are being asked by the Catholic Church to bring 24 weeks worth of money for the collection basket. Churches and other places of worship reopened yesterday after being closed for 24 weeks due to lockdown.

Father Heaney from Tullamore said it’s only fair that parishioners should be required to back-date their donations.

“Lots of people were off work and getting paid €350 a week by the government but there was nowhere opened to spend it so by our reckoning most people are now loaded. All we’re asking is that they do the right thing and share their wealth with God. I’m not saying you have to of course, it’s entirely up to you. I mean you don’t have to get into heaven if you don’t want to.”

Father Heaney also criticised the fact that a maximum of just 50 people can attend Mass for the time being.

“That’s just not fair. Look at the size of the church we have in Tullamore. It’s massive. We could get a couple of thousand parishioners in there and still social distance. That’s over a hundred collection baskets full to the brim with spondoolicks.”

We asked Father Heaney why God doesn’t just stop people in churches catching the virus or why he didn’t step in and prevent it from killing over 3 million innocent people around the world. He just stared at us blankly for several minutes before replying “Shut up! He works in mysterious ways.”