Next Bond To Be Transgender Asian Bisexual Vegan Muslim Woman


It is one of the most prestigious roles in cinema and the battle to replace Daniel Craig as the next James Bond is well and truly on following Craig’s confirmation that he will be playing the role just one more time. So who will be stepping into the famous spy’s tuxedo for future incarnations of the hugely successful franchise? We asked Bond producer Kathy Williams and clearly got off on the wrong foot.

“Firstly your use of the word ‘tuxedo’ makes your question both offensive and sexist. How do you know it won’t be a dress? It’s clearly also blatantly racist. What makes you so sure it won’t be a hijab or a burka?”

Indeed. So what characteristics will they be looking for in the next Bond?

“Well as we all now know, straight white men are the scum of the earth and will never be considered for the role again. We believe the audience will want the next Bond to reflect modern Britain and that’s why we have decided to go with a transgender Asian bisexual vegan Muslim woman.”

So how have the auditions been going so far and when will the identity of the next Bond be revealed to the public?

“Auditions have not been going very well as we haven’t managed to find a transgender Asian bisexual vegan Muslim actress yet. However fans can rest assured that we won’t be letting a minor setback like that stop us from finding the next James Bond. She’s out there somewhere and we intend to find her.”

The Spy Who Offended Me is scheduled for release in early 2019.