Next Bond To Be Transgender Asian Bisexual Vegan Muslim Woman


It is one of the most prestigious roles in cinema and the battle to replace Daniel Craig as the next James Bond is well and truly on following Craig’s confirmation that he will be playing the role just one more time. So who will be stepping into the famous spy’s tuxedo for future incarnations of the hugely successful franchise? We asked Bond producer Kathy Williams and clearly got off on the wrong foot.

“Firstly your use of the word ‘tuxedo’ makes your question both offensive and sexist. How do you know it won’t be a dress? It’s clearly also blatantly racist. What makes you so sure it won’t be a hijab or a burka? I suggest you refrain from using that tone of questioning with me.”

Indeed. So what characteristics will they be looking for in the next Bond?

“Well as we all now know, straight white men are the scum of the earth and will never be considered for the role again. We believe the audience will want the next Bond to reflect modern Britain and that’s why we have decided to go with a transgender Asian bisexual vegan Muslim woman.”

So how have the auditions been going so far and when will the identity of the next Bond be revealed to the public?

“Auditions have not been going very well as we haven’t managed to find a transgender Asian bisexual vegan Muslim woman yet. However fans can rest assured that we won’t be letting a minor setback like that stop us from finding the next James Bond. She’s out there somewhere and we intend to find her.”

Has the script been finalised yet for the first Bond movie to feature a transgender Asian bisexual vegan Muslim woman in the leading role and what kind of story lines can fans expect?

“While the old Bond villains were criminal masterminds hell-bent on taking over the planet or destroying mankind, the new films will focus more on the dangers we face in today’s world such as offensive tweets, non-left wing comedians and brexit supporters. These people are the biggest threat to peace since the Nazis so they will be the new baddies.”

What about terrorists and murderers?

“No. Offensive tweets are much worse. Also I’m pretty sure your question is Islamophobic so cut that shit out right now.”

James Bond movies have famously never done well at the Academy Awards, winning the occasional Best Sound Editing or Best Make Up Oscar. Is this something that could be about to change?

“The people from the Academy Awards have already been in touch and ensured us we will be among the nominations for Best Film for the first time ever due to the new direction we’re taking things in. They practically told us we can release any old shite and it won’t matter. As long as we have a┬átransgender Asian bisexual vegan Muslim woman playing Bond, we’re in.”

What do you say to people who point out that James Bond is a straight white man in the original Ian Fleming books?

“I say you people are white-supremacist neo-nazi scum and you will all burn in the eternal fires of hell for spreading your repulsive and disgusting right-wing propaganda. And you love Hitler too.”

The Spy Who Offended Me is scheduled for release in early 2019.