NPHET Sends Army To Skibereen To Stop Celebrations After Olympic Gold

NPHET has sent the entire Irish army to Skibereen in Co. Cork to prevent any outbreaks of celebration or craic after local heroes Paul O’Donovan and Fintan McCarthy won Olympic gold on Thursday.

Attention is now turning to how the town will celebrate when the lads return home from Japan. Dr Ronan Glynn told reporters “They celebrated when they stayed up all night and watched them on the telly. What more do they want? The celebrating is over. If I had my way they would have all been in bed with their masks on.”

The town of Skibereen has three Olympic medals to celebrate after local girl Emily Hegarty won bronze, also in rowing, and a huge welcome home party is expected to greet the returning heroes. However, Dr Glynn said that is out of the question.

“No. Absolutely not. Let’s stop this nonsense now before it gets out of hand. What this country needs is more restrictions and if I hear of anyone having any craic down there I won’t hesitate to give the army a shoot to kill order.”

Taoiseach Micheál Martin said the government strongly disagrees with NPHET’s actions but added that there’s nothing they can do and advised the people of Skibereen to stay indoors.

“We don’t want to make NPHET angry. They’re in charge now and we must do as they say. We’ll take back control one day. We just have to wait ’til they’re all dead.”